"Marriage Spirituality" by R Paul Stevens

TITLE: Marriage Spirituality - Ten Disciplines for Couples Who Love God
AUTHOR: R. Paul Stevens
PUBLISHER: Vancouver, BC: Regent College Publishing, 1989, (165 pages).

With his huge experience as pastor, seminarian, counselor, and of course, a married man, Stevens is certainly one we can learn from, with regards to marriage. Written with the Christian believer in mind, Stevens selects ten disciplines for couples to practice together. He believes that faith strengthens Christian marriages. For Stevens,

"To be married means to have our privacy invaded, to live dangerously close to another sinner, to be interfered with by someone who claims to love us but does not always know how. Yet to be married also means to celebrate a sacrament every day, all day, through everything we share, even when we are not together." (14)

The underlying conviction the author has is the need for husbands and wives to cultivate spiritual friendship with each other. Before this can happen, six barriers have to be addressed:

1. 'Too many agendas': that sucks away time and energy to prayer;
2. 'Overfamiliarity': that couples are not sensitive to fresh insights from each other;
3. 'History of mutual sin and forgiveness': seeking each other's forgiveness is hard;
4. 'Unresolved problems': unhealthy tendency to wait (forver) for problem to be resolved BEFORE any talk of spiritual togetherness;
5. 'Afraid of intimacy': Fear of letting spouse into the insecurities of oneself;
6. 'Complicated structure': the need for couples to see their marriage unique relationship in itself.

Simply put, the way forward is to let the marriage relationship become a 'response' to God's grace in the couple's life. The author suggests several ways to do the ten disciplines. One way is by taking an intentional 10-week experiment on developing spiritual friendship. Another way is through small couple mentoring program where two or three couples meet together regularly to encourage one another. Others include weekend retreats, teaching sessions or through sermons over the pulpit. The key is not to 'solve' but to share the journey.

The ten disciplines are:

1. Prayer that shares a special intimacy with God and each other.
2. Conversation that involves listening to the heart.
3. Sabbath that learns to rest, leisure, and play together.
4. Retreat that encourages solitude together as a couple.
5. Study to train the couple's ability to listen to God.
6. Service to serve together.
7. Sexual Fasting to learn to attempt to focus on resolving a particular spiritual matter.
8. Obedience in doing God's will together.
9. Confession to enable healing.
10. Mutual Submission to affirm the equal relationship of both spouses.

My Comments

This is a lovely book to read as a couple. The strength lies in the application aspects where the author details the steps to practice the discipline. For example, the 'putting into practice' is not only realistic but covers practical details of a typical busy life. The author shows an astute understanding of marital challenges, and writes in a very encouraging manner. Personally, I feel that ten disciplines are a little too much. The disciplines are important. However, the book will benefit more if it focuses on say 5-7 of them. For instance, prayer and conversation can be combined. Confession and Mutual Submission goes hand in hand. The same goes for Sabbath and Retreat. In its current form, the book is best used for a teaching course rather than a marriage manual for couples spiritual friendship. If there is another title, I will certainly suggest: "Cultivating Spiritual Friendship in Marriages."

I recommend this book for Christian couples, especially those where both spouses are active in Church or work in a Christian organization.

Ratings: 4 stars of 5.

conrade

"The Journey Through Grief" by Alan D. Wolfert

TITLE: THE JOURNEY THROUGH GRIEF - Reflections on Healing
AUTHOR: Alan D. Wolfelt
PUBLISHER: Fort Collins, CO: Companion Press, 2003.

This book is a very helpful guide to grieving and mourning. Recognizing the angst and pain behind loss and suffering, the author begins with a gentle understanding of grieving in two ways. Firstly, he recognizes that grieving is inner expression of emotions while mourning is an outward demonstration.  The importance if mourning and grieving cannot be underestimated because it is central to healing. Secondly, he makes a plea toward heart-based comfort rather than head-based answers.

"... another important lesson I have learned is that healing in grief is heart-based, not head-based. Modern therapies sometimes separate the head from the heart; it's as if we should somehow be able to rationally think through our grief." (1)

The way to help the heart is via "6 yield signs." The needs are numbered as:

1. Acknowledging the reality of the death.
2. Embracing the pain of the loss.
3. Remembering the person who died.
4. Developing a new self-identity.
5. Searching for meaning.
6. Receiving ongoing support from others.

Book: "Let Your Life Speak"

TITLE: LET YOUR LIFE SPEAK
AUTHOR: Parker Palmer
PUBLISHER: San Francisco: Jossey-Bass, 2000.

The author writes this book as a personal pilgrimage through not one but two deep depressions in his life as a writer, teacher, and activist in issues in education, community, leadership, spirituality and social change. He begins the book with a statement: “Asking me whether what I have done is my life”. His words throughout the book emanates with painful reflections of his struggles to be honest with himself as well as the frustrations with well-intentioned people giving him counsel which only served to depress him further, like Job with his four friends. His main point is that: The voice of vocation does not come from outside but from inside.

In a compelling personal testimony about his depression, he shares about his progression from “wearing other people’s faces” toward becoming the authentic self, to listen to his inside voice. He is quick to point out that there is no self-hood outside of relationship, and that only when by knowing one’s inner voice can one embody the great commandment to love both neighbour and self. His journey does not come easy. It is via a year-long sabbatical in a Quaker live-and-learn community that leads him to a transformative experience. This Quaker experience that taught him guidance is not simply a matter of doors being opened for him. Doors that close behind him can guide as well. Yet the depression remains.

In the deepest and darkest moments of depression, as he hit muddy ground he discovers that humus (latin for decayed organic matter), is the root for words like humility and humiliation. With elegant reconciliation of his experiences, he begins to see himself as a person of weakness AND stength, liability AND giftedness, darkness AND light. Collectively, to be whole means to reject none of it but to embrace all of it. Thus began his path of recovery. His eventual understanding of depression is memorable:

“Depression was, indeed, the hand of a friend trying to press me down to ground on which it was safe to stand – the ground of my own truth, my own nature, with its complex mix of limits and gifts, liabilities and assets, darkness and light. ” (67)

The rest of the book is imbued with a beautiful sense of waiting, hoping and ultimate splendour of joy. Palmer uses the four seasons to describe the journey of life. The decline of Autumn, the deadness of Winter and the romance of Spring all work together towards an abundant summertime harvest of happiness and joy. Summer is a season where the promissory notes of autumn, winter and spring come due. In summer, it becomes easy to forget that before summer, was the awful process of the previous three seasons. Death is finally understood to be a legacy to the community of abundant life.
Parker takes great care to explain that probing inwards towards self, or selfhood is not the same as selfishness. Neither is it egoism nor egotism. The reason for this emphasis is to counter the modern belief that trusts more the power of external realities rather than the power of inner life. In this sense, it is more of striking a proper balance rather than mere crusading for inner living.

This book has touched the lives of many, including this reviewer. Vocation is not something that people bother to consider as seriously as what Parker did. Even the word ‘vocation’ has too often been equated wrongly with a job or a career. A job is something one do for a living. Vocation is much more than that. It is a calling, a listening for the voice within, a recognition of who one really is, and an honest affirmation that the life before it can be lived, has to be heard first from within.
This book not just for those seeking to understand their vocation in life. It gives the reader an insight into one person’s journey through depression. Ultimately, it is an honest book that refuses to wear the mask of others. It is a book where the author hoped that people will learn to treasure their most important gift: True Self.

Ratings: 5 stars of 5.

conrade

Book Review: "A Resilient Life"

TITLE: A RESILIENT LIFE - You can Move Ahead No Matter What
AUTHOR: Gordon MacDonald
PUBLISHER: Nashville, TN: Thomas-Nelson, 2004.

The Christian life is sometimes compared to a race. In Paul's letter to Timothy, he famously said:

"I have fought the good fight. I have finished the race. I have kept the faith." (2 Tim 4:7)

Based on biblical concepts, the author has written a brilliant treatise on the need to establish resilience in our Christian walk. He places 5 major ways in which one can develop resilience.

1. Resilient people are committed to finishing strong.
2. Resilient people run inspired by a big-picture of life.
3. Resilient people run free of the weight of the past.
4. Resilient people train to go the distance.
5. Resilient people run in the company of a 'happy few.'

I like the emphasis of this book that focuses on the long-term, marathon-based, and the need to cultivate toughness in a person. Firstly, by developing a plan to establish a resilient life, one can avoid the easy temptations of short-cut Christianity. Knowing that the journey is long gives the Christian an impetus for faith and hope. Secondly, knowing that the race is more like a marathon will help us equip ourselves accordingly. Thirdly, having a tough mentality shows that the servant of God is not easily discouraged. It prepares one to go through the pain and sufferings of life, without losing the foundations of faith.

I warmly recommend this book for those of us wanting to cultivate a tough spirituality, that is tough on sin, but soft in grace.

conrade