"The Journey Through Grief" by Alan D. Wolfert

TITLE: THE JOURNEY THROUGH GRIEF - Reflections on Healing
AUTHOR: Alan D. Wolfelt
PUBLISHER: Fort Collins, CO: Companion Press, 2003.

This book is a very helpful guide to grieving and mourning. Recognizing the angst and pain behind loss and suffering, the author begins with a gentle understanding of grieving in two ways. Firstly, he recognizes that grieving is inner expression of emotions while mourning is an outward demonstration.  The importance if mourning and grieving cannot be underestimated because it is central to healing. Secondly, he makes a plea toward heart-based comfort rather than head-based answers.

"... another important lesson I have learned is that healing in grief is heart-based, not head-based. Modern therapies sometimes separate the head from the heart; it's as if we should somehow be able to rationally think through our grief." (1)

The way to help the heart is via "6 yield signs." The needs are numbered as:

1. Acknowledging the reality of the death.
2. Embracing the pain of the loss.
3. Remembering the person who died.
4. Developing a new self-identity.
5. Searching for meaning.
6. Receiving ongoing support from others.

Book: Out of Solitude

TITLE: Out of Solitude - Three Meditations on the Christian Life
AUTHOR: Henri Nouwen
PUBLISHER: Notre Dame, IN: Ave Maria Press, 2004.

This is one of my favourite books on solitude and spirituality. First given as sermons at Yale University's United Church of Christ, it is a profound reflection on the need to find contentment in God alone. The deceptively simple book contains much solid food to chew on. In it, Nouwen urges us to:

• Be aware that our personal worth is simply being who we are, and not what we do;
• Trust God to show us our true selves, instead of seeking approval constantly from people around us.
• "A life without a quiet center easily becomes destructive." (25)
• Caring is more important than curing.
• In a lonely place, we not only find God, but ourselves.

My Comments

Nouwen writes in such a simple manner that one can be forgiven for reading it too quickly. He first contrasts our modern world of action and busyness with quietness and solitude. He identifies us as victims of seeking value in terms of success, and our desire to be useful. 

"In this success-oriented world, our lives become more and more dominated by superlatives. We brag about the highest tower, the fastest runner, the tallest man, the longest bridge, and the best student. (In Holland we brag in reverse: we have the smallest town, the narrowest street, the tiniest house, and the most uncomfortable shoes.) But underneath all our emphasis on successful action, many of us suffer from a deep-seated, low self-esteem and are walking around with the constant fear that someday someone will unmask the illusion and show that we are not as smart, as good, or as lovable as the world was made to believe." (23)

We need to disconnect any link between self-esteem and the accomplishments we do. Enters solitude. With solitude, we learn to:

• unmask any possessiveness in us;
• we recognize that without a quiet center in us, we can easily become destructive to others as well as self;
• Seek God more in earnestness;
• be able to grow old and go slow without constantly asking if we have been useful enough;

His second meditation draws a sharp contrast between curing and caring. We need to move away from a 'curing' mentality toward a 'caring' disposition. He makes this insightful observation about our modern life.

"How can we be or become a caring community, a community of people not trying to cover the pain or to avoid it by sophisticated bypasses, but rather to share it as the source of healing and new life?" (41)

"Although it is usually very meaningful to call on outside help, sometimes our referral to others is more a sign of fear to face the pain than a sign of care, and in that case we keep our greatest gift to heal hidden from each other." (42) 

Nouwen's third meditation covers expectation from God and community. We need to anticipate God in solitude and in community. It is centered in expecting God to do what He has promised to do. This expectation is lived out in patience, in joy, and in trusting upon God's timing.

"To wait patiently therefore means to allow our weeping and wailing to become the purifying preparation by which we are made ready to receive the joy that is promised to us." (55)

Personally, I find this section most powerful.

"That is the greatest conversion in our life: to recognize and believe that the many unexpected events are not just disturbing interruptions of our projects, but the way in which God molds our hearts and prepares us for his return. Our great temptations are boredom and bitterness." (56)

Slow and steady reading of this book is most necessary. Do not rush. Do not read the book too quickly lest you miss the gems that are only visible through intentional, prayerful and thoughtful reading.

conrade

Book: "Let Your Life Speak"

TITLE: LET YOUR LIFE SPEAK
AUTHOR: Parker Palmer
PUBLISHER: San Francisco: Jossey-Bass, 2000.

The author writes this book as a personal pilgrimage through not one but two deep depressions in his life as a writer, teacher, and activist in issues in education, community, leadership, spirituality and social change. He begins the book with a statement: “Asking me whether what I have done is my life”. His words throughout the book emanates with painful reflections of his struggles to be honest with himself as well as the frustrations with well-intentioned people giving him counsel which only served to depress him further, like Job with his four friends. His main point is that: The voice of vocation does not come from outside but from inside.

In a compelling personal testimony about his depression, he shares about his progression from “wearing other people’s faces” toward becoming the authentic self, to listen to his inside voice. He is quick to point out that there is no self-hood outside of relationship, and that only when by knowing one’s inner voice can one embody the great commandment to love both neighbour and self. His journey does not come easy. It is via a year-long sabbatical in a Quaker live-and-learn community that leads him to a transformative experience. This Quaker experience that taught him guidance is not simply a matter of doors being opened for him. Doors that close behind him can guide as well. Yet the depression remains.

In the deepest and darkest moments of depression, as he hit muddy ground he discovers that humus (latin for decayed organic matter), is the root for words like humility and humiliation. With elegant reconciliation of his experiences, he begins to see himself as a person of weakness AND stength, liability AND giftedness, darkness AND light. Collectively, to be whole means to reject none of it but to embrace all of it. Thus began his path of recovery. His eventual understanding of depression is memorable:

“Depression was, indeed, the hand of a friend trying to press me down to ground on which it was safe to stand – the ground of my own truth, my own nature, with its complex mix of limits and gifts, liabilities and assets, darkness and light. ” (67)

The rest of the book is imbued with a beautiful sense of waiting, hoping and ultimate splendour of joy. Palmer uses the four seasons to describe the journey of life. The decline of Autumn, the deadness of Winter and the romance of Spring all work together towards an abundant summertime harvest of happiness and joy. Summer is a season where the promissory notes of autumn, winter and spring come due. In summer, it becomes easy to forget that before summer, was the awful process of the previous three seasons. Death is finally understood to be a legacy to the community of abundant life.
Parker takes great care to explain that probing inwards towards self, or selfhood is not the same as selfishness. Neither is it egoism nor egotism. The reason for this emphasis is to counter the modern belief that trusts more the power of external realities rather than the power of inner life. In this sense, it is more of striking a proper balance rather than mere crusading for inner living.

This book has touched the lives of many, including this reviewer. Vocation is not something that people bother to consider as seriously as what Parker did. Even the word ‘vocation’ has too often been equated wrongly with a job or a career. A job is something one do for a living. Vocation is much more than that. It is a calling, a listening for the voice within, a recognition of who one really is, and an honest affirmation that the life before it can be lived, has to be heard first from within.
This book not just for those seeking to understand their vocation in life. It gives the reader an insight into one person’s journey through depression. Ultimately, it is an honest book that refuses to wear the mask of others. It is a book where the author hoped that people will learn to treasure their most important gift: True Self.

Ratings: 5 stars of 5.

conrade

Book: "Less is More"

TITLE: Less Is More - meditations on simplicity, balance, and real abundance
AUTHOR: Mina Parker
PUBLISHER: San Francisco, CA: Conari Press, 2009, (128 pages).

This beautiful book is a photo-cum-reflective journal of life, seen from the meditations of the writer. It is an attempt to reinstate some semblance of sanity in a world caught in a mad-rush for time, and a crazy race to outrun one another. The gist of the book is captured by the author's favourite Swedish proverb.

"Fear less, hope more; Eat less, chew more; Whine less, breathe more; Talk less, say more; Love more, and all good things will be yours." (11)


Part One talks about 'Hidden Treasures' obtained through simple living, appreciating home-cooked meals or farmed food, decluttering, and the gems that one can learn through 'mundane' things. Part Two deals with contentment on the basis of knowing that what we need, we already have. We don't need more stuff, just more appreciation for what we have. Part Three is a call for us to learn to change our outlook in life, if we want to gain a better perspective. It can potentially change our attitudes, our relationships, and our purpose in life. Part Four, 'Give Credit to Where Credit is Due' is a call for grateful living. Here are some of my favourite quotes from the book:

• "Sometimes the questions are complicated and the answers are simple." (Dr Seuss, quoted on p15)
• "It is vain to do with more what can be done with less." (William of Occam, quoted in p20)
• "To be satisfied with a little, is the greatest wisdom; and he that increaseth his riches, increaseth his cares; but a contented mind is a hidden treasure, and trouble findeth it not." (Akhenaton, quoted in p25)
• "Fortunate enough, is the man who takes exactly the right measure of himself, and holds a just balance between what he can acquire and what he can use." (Peter Mere Latham, quoted in p40)
• "Prosperity depends more on wanting what you have than having what you want." (Geoffrey F Abert, quoted in p42)
• "It takes a lot of time to be a genius. You have to sit around so much doing nothing, really doing nothing." (Gertrude Stein, quoted in p46)
• "The great thing to learn is, first, not to do what you don't want to do, and, second, to do what you do want to do." (Margaret Anderson, quoted in p47)
• "Simplicity is making the journey of this life with just baggage enough." (Charles Dudley Warner, quoted in p60)
• "What you call failure is not the falling down, but the staying down." (Mary Pickford, quoted in p71)
• "We don't see things as they are. We see them as we are." (Anais Nin, quoted in p70)
• "Simplicity is the final achievement. After one has played a vast quantity of notes and more notes, it is simplicity that emerges as the crowning reward of art." (Frederic Chopin, quoted in p76)
• "Life is like riding a bicycle. To keep your balance you must keep moving." (Albert Einstein, quoted in p85)
• "The more you reason, the less you create." (Raymond Chandler, quoted in p86)
• "I'm a pessimist because of intelligence, but an optimist because of will." (Antonio Gramsci, quoted in p95)
• "Reflect upon your present blessings of which every man has many - not on your past misfortunes, of which all men have some." (Charles Dickens, quoted in p99)
• "Learn to get in touch with the silence within yourself, and know that everything in life has purpose. There are no mistakes, no coincidences, all events are blessings given to us to learn from." (Elisabeth Kubler-Ross, quoted in p101)
• "Not what we say about our blessings, but how we use them, is the true measure of our thanksgiving." (W T Purkiser, quoted in p106)
• "The unthankful heart discovers no mercies; but the thankful heart will find, in every hour, some heavenly blessings." (Henry Ward Beecher, quoted in p110)
• "Happiness is itself a kind of gratitude." (Joseph Wood Krutch, quoted in p120)

My Comments

The book gives us a needed brake to slow down our lives, especially those rushing headlong down a hill of busyness. It reminds us that 'more' may actually mean less, and that 'less' may surprisingly mean more. Written in 5 parts, the book touches on the 'hidden treasures' of life, that many things can be learned just by becoming more observant about the small things in life. Each reflection is accompanied by a pretty photo, and a 1-page reflection of life. While the book can be rushed through and finished within the hour, I will recommend against it. True to its title, we will benefit less of the book's message if we simply consume it without taking time to think. In fact, I feel that the book is deliberately written to help readers be more sensitive to the basic truth: "Less is More."

The world tries to tell us that the key to life is to accumulate more things, accomplish more projects, speed up our tasks, connect with more people, and so on. The philosophy is simply more means more. Such a thinking unfortunately creates a life that is more complex, unbalanced, and we end up with a poorer quality of life as a result. I like the wide range of quotations and thoughtful photos. In fact, the photos themselves can evoke different reflections each time. This is a book of art and spirituality. It deserves to be read, again and again.

For the Christian reader, this book can be best used with the Bible next to us. While the book is not a book about Christian spirituality, it teaches us how to meditate on the simple things in life. It contains wisdom, and a need to change our brute attitudes toward life. Make it simple. Make it sweet. Make ilife significant and meaningful.

Ratings: 4 stars of 5.

conrade